The Snug

The news these days seems to made up of breaking headlines, most of it updated every second as the ticker runs across the bottom of the screen, screaming for requests of 'your footage'. By its nature all early reports have inaccuracies that are sometimes ironed out at a later date depending on their importance, or left as 'early indications' that almost always turn out to be wrong. However, as that news becomes tomorrow's chip paper so we hear nothing, fine if the news is done and dusted but what if you want to know how it ended up? On this occasion I can actually almost complete the loop on one story that broke back in July '07.

Thursday 26 July 5am – Two cows (I'll call them beasts from this point onwards) escape from Darlington Cattle Market, most major news sources carry the story including the BBC. One of the beasts is shot dead by armed police marksmen, somewhere near a garage, having been spotted ambling along the pavement. The other beast manages to avoid detection (despite the police helicopter looking for it) and is last seen heading towards Skerne Park. The local joke was that by the time it stepped foot in Skerne Park the beast would be in someone's freezer before you could say 'moo'. The beast was described as 'dangerous' with psychopathic tendencies owing to its inability to control its temper and the likelihood of it launching unprovoked attacks on the citizens of Darlington. A town racked with fear waits for news of the demise of the second beast.

Thursday 26 July 10:30pm – Locomotion No. 1 Public House – Regular evening drinking session with a couple of farmers, J (my brother-in-law) and G (fellow footballer & Middlesbrough fan). G jokes that knowing his luck the beast will end up in one of his fields.

Tuesday 31 July – Northern Echo runs a story 'Steak-out over after cow hides in field for days' – hahaha! Beast it seems has been found safe and well hiding in a field with some other cows. Darlo residents breath again, plans for relocation of Mart away from town centre are strengthened.

Thursday 2 August 10:30pm – Locomotion No. 1 Public House - G is no longer joking as the beast has ended up in one of his fields with his cows! It turns out that the beast is not a heifer (as reported by nearly all the news agencies), but a bullock (a castrated bull for those who don't know). G had spotted the beast as (a) all the other cows in the field were heifers and (b) it was about a foot bigger than the rest. It seems that after breaking through the gate on the trailer whilst at the mart (leaving chunks of wood no bigger than 6 inches and presumably two big cartoon cow shaped holes), it had headed towards Skerne Park, ducked under the bridge that crosses the river, ended up on the outskirts of town and finally jumped over a barbed wire fence into G's field! Once the beast has calmed down and got used to being bucket fed, G will move the beast back to its owners who live near the field – presumably the beast had homing instincts (I've got visions of a more amusing pigeon racing event).

Friday 3 August – Foot and Mouth case confirmed in Surrey all movement of cattle is halted. Beast remains in its new home next to the A66 outer-ring-road.

Monday 3 September – Movement of cattle restrictions lifted. Due to poor weather conditions, G is a little behind with harvesting so beast will stay in place for a few weeks.

Wednesday 12 September – New Foot and Mouth case confirmed in Surrey all movement of cattle is halted. Beast is getting quite comfortable in its home next to the A66 outer-ring-road. By now G has the beast's passport and is threatening to take it straight to slaughter.

Thursday 4 October – Movement of cattle restrictions lifted for areas not suffering from Foot and Mouth and Bluetongue (case of Bluetongue broke on the 28 September in East Anglia).

Thursday 11 October 10:30pm – Locomotion No. 1 Public House - G announces that he is planning to finally move the beast on Sunday. A (landlord) believes that there is money to be made out of this. Offers G a few beers if he can turn up and video the event, if the beast goes mental we can all have a good laugh, but either way A reckons he can sell it to the press as one of those 'and finally' tales. A regales us with tales of how he had some fantastic footage of a kingfisher in Darlington that someone taped over with Coronation Street.

Sunday 14 October 9:00am – G with great trepidation tries to lure beats into trailer for short journey back to its owner. Plans involve rounding it up with a few 'friends' who will get a mornings ride out. A is phoned but due to excesses on Saturday evening doesn't get message until 4pm. Whilst sorting out the gate inside of the trailer, beast walks calmly behind G and into the trailer. The 'friends' are no doubt sad that they aren't going for a trip out, but G is delighted, delivers beast to owners and received £50 for 'looking after it'.

Alright so there's still some unanswered questions, like did the beast end up at slaughter, was it resold at market or is it ending its years as some sideshow entertainment for the benefit of aged storytellers:-

"I once went eye to eye with the Darlo beast. I swear it could see into my soul, but I wasn't scared…I even went so far as to touch its nose!"

*Gasps from audience*