The Snug

Anyone who's been in a car with me knows I like driving fairly quickly and don't tolerate bad drivers. But what happened to me on Saturday is worthy of a blog.

I was coming back from Hertford where I had been trying to buy some diving kit (it's on order for anyone who is curious) and had reached a certain roundabout (hereafter known as the Roundabout of Doom), which, due to previous incidents is now fully traffic lighted.

To go straight ahead over the roundabout of doom, you need to be in the 2nd and third lanes leading up to the roundabout. This is clearly marked by both signs and road markings. It's idiot proof but clearly not **** proof.

I was in the 2nd lane on the approach, behind a 4X4 towing a horse box. In lane 1, a left turn filter, was a large Land Rover Discovery (hereafter known as the Car of Ultimate Rubbishness or CUR for short). When the lights went green, the CUR decided that he wanted to be in our lane and that the horsebox should veer suddenly into the 3rd lane to accommodate this. When the CUR's wish wasn't granted he got angry. Fat middle aged man angry. He started honking his horn at the horsebox.

Now, as I mentioned at the start, I get annoyed with stupid drivers and this appeared stupid to me on many levels. Firstly honking a horsebox is incredibly irresponsible, especially if there is a horse in it (which there was). Secondly, the CUR was in the wrong, so shouldn't have been honking in the first place. If he wasn't able to see the signs in the 200 yards approaching the roundabout, I'd argue he shouldn't be on the roads to start with.

After spooking the horse but ultimately failing to intimidate the car out of his way, he tried to cut me up. I was restrained. Honestly I was. I refused to let him in and waggled my finger at him. That's all.

Somehow this was akin to a red rag to a bull. The CUR wound his window down and unleashed a torrent of abuse. Being game for a laugh, I wound my down and rejoined. Our conversation went something like this:

"Get out of my [expletive] way you [expletive] [expletive]!" spake he.

"Read the [expletive] road signs you stupid [expletive] replied I, jovially.

Hmmm, wait a mo, this could become slightly incomprehensible and tedious with all the [expletives]. From now on in, I will replace the bad words with Terry Thomas style insults. Here we go...

"I'm bally well going to kill you old chap" said he.

"Gosh, are you going to bore me to death you chubby old buffoon?" I replied.

"You rapscallion, I will break both your legs and then kill you!"

"Learn to drive first and then you will realise that you need to apologise to most of the other motorists on the road you silly old duffer!" I shouted.

At this point he went to swerve his large car into mine. I laughed heartily at him.

"You appear to have some trouble steering, my cars much older than yours, so feel free to hit it!"

"You blackhearted knave who has a strange fixation on his mother!" was his reply, swiftly followed by more remarks about how he was going to take my life.

"I fear your car represents a phallic substitute, covering up your impotence that is manifesting itself as rage old boy." I suggested. This did not go down well and he was almost gnashing the steering wheel in rage at this point. Fortunately the lights turned green and we we're off. He tried to undertake me, intimidate me off the road and generally be unpleasant, probably egged on by my incessant laughter and pointing.

Hopefully I ruined his day, people like that should not be allowed out in cars.