Harry's Blog

Dear Santa,

I've been a good boy this year. Not been too cheeky or nowt like that. So I thought I would send you a list of presents I would like. I've been good, honest.

• Epiphone Tony Iommi signature G-400 SG Guitar
• Blackstar Series One 45 amplifier
• Canon EOS 7D DSLR camera
• Audi R8
• Mute button for children

Thanks

PS If you can't get it all on your sleigh I'd settle for the guitar, or the amp, or the camera.

This is a picture of the Mediterranean Sea. Do you see anything wrong with it? No. Then like me you're likely to be from Planet Earth.

But I think you have to prepare yourself for a shock.

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Come on dads you've seen plenty of Cbeebies.

So the question is...

...Nina or Sarah Jane?

Let's keep this fairly anonymous. There's no need to name names. Let's just say that someone I know, no not me honest, recently had an altercation with a badger.

I say altercation. What I mean is that she. Or he, or it, let's not blame anyone. She, ran over a badger. Ran over or hit so hard with the car it disintegrated. Whatever. The damn thing ran out in front of the car in the middle of the night on a country lane, so what are you to do?

She, or he, or it, braked hard to avoid killing the damn thing. But it had flung itself at the car with little care or thought. Perhaps the badger was suicidal. We shall never know. The following day all that remained was gallons of blood everywhere on the road but no Badger. Maybe it survived long enough to drag itself back to its badger children to say goodbye.

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When I first moved to Northolt last year I did think the place was rather rough. But once I'd been here a few days it seemed a lot more rough than I had first believed.

Because not only was there the unmistakable sound of gunfire heard all day, the locals were so used to this that they wandered around as though nothing was wrong.

Things must be really bad around here, I thought, for people to get used to such high amounts of gunfire.

There's only a bloody shooting club down the road isn't there.

How much of an idiot am I?

Elderly people of Yeading your attention please.

Yes you dear, can you hear me? No I'm not your son. No I've not come to read the gas meter.

It's come to our attention that some of you aren't following local custom when visiting our local stores such as Tesco Yeading.

Please obey the following rules in future...

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If sitting through endless versions of "you don't look fat in that" via Trinny, Suzannah and that ladyboy weren't enough the ad-breaks during these shows are getting even worse.

You can't move these days for adverts for price comparison websites, with the occasional Direct Line ad saying "you won't find our prices on comparison websites".

Yes these comparison sites are handy, but good lord how may of them do we need? Each advert featuring a gormless looking couple who seemingly can't find their collective arse with both hands and instead need to be walked through life by some grinning idiot with a catchy jingle.

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