My Sex Is On Fire

I wrote recently about how I wasn’t well at the moment and some of the rather unpleasant procedures I’ve undergone to get to the bottom1 of whatever is wrong with me.

If you remember I had two tests lined up. I’ve been very nervous about these tests, more because I’ve been scared of what they might find. Partly because I tend to worry about such things anyway and also because a stupid GP scared the Bejaysus2 out of me.

Well the experience of the first test was fine. As fine as being fed feet first into a giant radioactive doughnut can be anyway. We can save on electricity bills now as I’ll glow in the dark for a year or so. In the week since the CT scan I’d not heard from my GP or consultant and took that to mean “no news is good news”. After all if they’d found anything in there they’d have called me, right?3.

Today was much more scary. Not because of what they might find, but because of the procedure I was to undergo. Unusually for me I’m not going to go into detail. If you want to know what they were going to do to me then Google for Flexible Cystoscopy. Had a look? Not fun eh?

So anyway4 I had that thing done to me. All I can say is ouch. It really wasn’t a pleasant procedure. However I suppose I’d still rather have undergone that than had to listen to Coldplay.

The cystoscopy and the CT scan results show there’s nothing serious wrong with me. I’m fine. They found nothing. Whatever aches and pains I still have are just because I’m an ageing old rocker who doesn’t exercise enough5.

So they let me get dressed, get my stuff together and gave me a leaflet on how I might be feeling for a few days6. And that was it, I have been discharged. They did say I may have had a kidney stone, but if I had, it has gone now. So I’m fine. Panic over.

The leaflet also said that in some cases patients get a urinary infection following a cystoscopy. Why was I undergoing all these tests? Because in July I’d had a urinary infection. I feel like I’ve just been part of an NHS M.C. Escher painting.

Well there we go. End of the story that’s been running for months and making me feel very nervous. And while one GP may really have done a poor job I have to say that all the folks I’ve met at Dorchester Hospital have been fantastic – professional and caring.

And hopefully that’s the last time we talk about my bits, okay?

Ouch.


1Badum Tish! I’m here all week folks
2I have a license to use that word, I’m Irish, sort of
3Give me a break, I know I’m an idiot
4Yes I really am skipping over the details
5That’s changing. We’ve just got a treadmill so we can keep fit whatever the winter weather
6Short version – “ouch”