Harry's Blog

Elderly people of Yeading your attention please.

Yes you dear, can you hear me? No I'm not your son. No I've not come to read the gas meter.

It's come to our attention that some of you aren't following local custom when visiting our local stores such as Tesco Yeading.

Please obey the following rules in future...

• Do stop to chat with your friends in the entrance to the store. No one will mind, we'll just wait with our trolleys until you're done talking about Elsie's trouble "down there", the weather today or what the local brown population have done to annoy you now.
• Elderly couples do please make sure that you take a trolley each even when buying just a few items. This way you can easily block the new wider aisles with a little coordinated shuffling. Pushing the trolleys together at an angle while arguing over which brand of potted meat you'd most like for your tea won't bother anyone as there are plenty of aisles for everyone.
• Make sure if you are going to swing left into an aisle that you are on the far right of the walkspace before doing so. Likewise if going to stop for chat with a friend you're surprised isn't dead yet do stop suddenly with little notice of the shoppers behind you.
• When queuing at the checkout do not remove your purse from your handbag (watch out for foreigners) until all your shopping is slowly and methodically packed into all the little net bags you've owned since 1964. There's no need to guess how much your nice slice of cake, nice cup of tea and tin of meat for the cat (x7) costs and have the money ready, the people behind you won't mind you counting out £46.32 in tuppence pieces once you're shop has been totalled up.
• Finally when leaving the store remember that you have right of way in any part of the carpark. The zebra crossings are there for people with small children and no driver will mind you leaping out in front of him with little notice. After all, this is your country and you didn't do national service to have teenagers racing around the carpark in chavved-up Vauxhall Novas now did you?

Thank you for reading. If you follow these words of advice you'll soon fit in with the rest of the ageing population of Yeading.