Harry's Blog

Do you put memories in boxes in your mind? I do, which is perhaps why I didn't go insane when my life became a horror movie in early 2007. How we deal with bad memories is important I guess in how we manage the future and how we cope.

I'm lucky. Without trying all my wonderful memories of my life with Lanie are in one box, while the horror surrounding her death are in another. It means I can remember the good times and smile, without those memories being spoiled.

And having bad memories stored away seems to help me cope. I can see the box of horrors but I don't have to look into it. Of course sometimes that box will get opened and the objects scattered around by accident. It only takes a particular image, maybe a song, and suddenly the box is open with all the raw horror on show.

In some cases particular times and places stir those memories and this can have major consequences, they've left me without the faith I'd held for 14 years. I've tried and tried, but I can't reconcile the real world with one that features a loving God. It just doesn't work.

Life today though, with the joys of fatherhood and my gorgeous wife isn't placed in such boxes. It is scattered all over my mind just as the twins scatter toys around the living room. Everywhere I turn there's something to look at and smile. And on the shelves within my mind are memories are happy times in my past, which I'll gaze lovingly at from time to time.

Life isn't without its ups and downs even today. We lost our unborn baby at ten weeks recently. It was a horrible experience both in the physical sense and the pain it has left us with. A child we loved, no matter how young that life was, is still a great loss to us. Again though, this awful experience is best kept in a box of bad memories all of its own. That seems to be how we're both coping with it.

Then of course there are the hazy distant shelves high up. These are the potential futures awaiting us. And these are so exciting. Next year we're running away from the rat race to focus on our family. We're going to live a short drive from my wife's parents and the beach. I think we're going to need much bigger shelves to store all the wonderful memories ahead.