Harry's Blog

This is the first page of a genuine test from marriage counsellor and newspaper columnist George W. Crane MD published in 1939.

How does your Mrs rate?

For reasons of domestic harmony and wish to retain my wedding tackle I'm not going to even attempt to fill this form in.

You can read more about the history of this test at The American Psychological Association.

Okay I must be the last person in the world to have seen this, but what the heck, it's brilliant.

One of Will Ferrell's best sketches this one.

Don't bother playing the video if you're easily offended. There is a naughty word uttered by mistake by a Sky News presenter.

What's so hard about saying Seal Cull Hunt?

With marriage just a couple of weeks away it's worth taking a look at some challenging educational material from years past when matrimony was taken more seriously than it is today.

Women Keep Your Virtue

More of this sort of thing after the jump...

I've just played a part in the Danny Baker show¹ on BBC Radio London. This week Danny and friends are playing a mad game of birthday poker, and Danny has just played a hand against Amy using the four cards I emailed in.

My hand of Poker for my birthday, November 27th, was:

Anders Celcius
Jimi Hendrix
Bruce Lee
Ernie Wise

Amy seemed to think I'd beaten her hand. But Danny said that Ernie Wise didn't match her fourth card Charles Mingus².

So there we go, my backhand animal³ wasn't good enough - it was the flying cow from the movie Twister.

So there we go, I am Harry from Northolt.

_{¹The best show on the radio. Though the rest of BBC Radio London is crap.
²Which has now caused some controversy on the show.
³It would take way too long to explain.}

Dammit he got me annoyed. Who? The useless twonk that works in my local Burger King, that's who.

Jo and I were heading out to collect my wedding suit but I hadn't had breakfast yet, so I decided to pop in and get a bacon sandwich and my beloved asked for a black coffee.

Back in a minute, I say, then I get out of the car and enter the restaurant, not imagining the frustration that would await me.

At first all goes well, food is ordered with little fuss.

Mr Soon-to-be-discovered-as-a Twonk rings up the black coffee on the till as a latte, but I assume that's just the way the system works.

But the machine that spits out something like coffee looked like it spat out something a bit lighter than coffee too.

Just too funny for words. Just watch one of the best action movies of the 1980s reworked by someone I know on the EG forum.

This is part of a YouTube competition to promote the new Jack Black movie Be Kind Rewind, where two dumbasses have to refilm many classic movies in this way.

Here are a few more Sweded movies to enjoy:

• Die Hard
• Total Recall
• Terminator 2
• Jurassic Park

Rockstar Games has released some rather entertaining trailers for Grand Theft Auto IV. You can check out all the content at the newly opened official website (open in a new tab/window).

This is the one that made me laugh most - for the The Steinway Beer Garden.

...many reason to adore RJ. But one of the ones that'll no doubt appeal to many of you blokes is that I've just phoned her and she said, "can you phone back in five minutes when I've finished watching Top Gear?"

I know.

And you thought the concept of a "perfect" woman was logically impossible.

I'm only 34. Sure some of you may think that's pretty old, but I don't feel old, and although I'm thinking of booking a pension appointment at the bank and am the father of two I by no means feel any different than I did at 21.

Yet I can feel middle age opinions creeping in. I tell myself that I'm just being practical - but watching Top Gear repeats on UKG2 yesterday I found myself judging each car by whether I'd be able to get the double buggy in it.

Poor dinosaurs. Do you think they'd be less likely to rush into a relationship if they had longer arms?

That's something of a debate we had when RJ sent me the the card. Though she's right that we don't know what dinosaurs get up to in private anyway.

One would have though if they'd developed a sufficiently sophisticated society to invent the handbag that other naughtier aspects of the modern world might not be beyond them.

Actually even with longer arms that tubby dinosaur might struggle. Looks like he ate all the stegosaurus pies.

Anyway, perhaps you get the point of that Sesame Street clip I posted yesterday now!

The Masturbatory Habits of Dinosaurs is a great blog title that's been knocking around in my mind for a week or two, but I haven't written the blog entry yet. It joins the following phrases as blog entries you can expect over the next few days.

• You're the Barry Cryer of my love life
• Cottage is the girly doily version of cheese
• Why not making pastry for a while makes me teh ghey
• You may as well put cheese in your inhaler

And no doubt more silliness. So I have to warn you it's going to be a very silly week on the blog.

I'll also explain what the video has to do with the blog title.

I can't really be bothered writing a proper review of the movie. Yes, telling readers I don't care is always a good way of starting a blog post isn't it?

Shrek 3 had some great moments and gets a thumbs-up for including a Led Zeppelin track (Immigrant Song) which was hastily followed by Heart's Barracuda.

You ever go and see movies and think that it's been made specifically for you, to send you a message? It's like not going to church for two months then turning up to hear a sermon that could have been written by your psyche.

As you know, I'm going to be very busy this weekend. But it's also big weekend for the lovely RJ too as she is celebrating a major, if not the major, event in her life. And for a few days before and during this event she's going to be incommunicado to some extent – at least away from the trappings of a modern technological existence.

That means that to communicate with RJ I have to put pen to paper. I do love writing letters but it is actually some years since I've actually done so. I started a letter this morning and two pages in I was getting quite an ache in my wrist¹. I'm pushing on though as letter writing is such a more personal and special way of communicating that's all too rare these days.

I can cook. I'm no Jamie Oliver¹, but I can throw enough interesting things onto a plate to satisfy a variety of tastes and do it in a relatively stress free manner. Relaxation is the key to cookery – get too anxious and you're only going to burn something, or even worse not cook it enough.

A wonderful evening spent with adorable company should leave one with a fluttery feeling in your stomach, but not one that needs to be fixed by a handful of Imodium tablets.

Kilt wearers north of the border will now have to prove that their otter-fur sporran is made with fur from an animal that was killed humanely. More details over at BBC Online (open in a new window).

I'm 34 years old and despite not feeling very grown up much of the time (no bad thing) I am at least allowed out late without having to answer to anyone. In fact given my job as a journalist I expect most people would be disappointed if I didn't come rolling home at 3am, loaded to the gills with cheap brandy.

Not so my delightful date for this evening. The gorgeous RJ, who I met last week. She has a role within the Church of England that brings with it responsibility and the requirement for not only keeping up an accepted standard of behaviour - but also being seen to keep up that standard of behaviour.

I'm sure you're all familiar with the 1992 Sir Mixalot rap Baby Got Back, at the time it drew a lot of criticism for misogyny. Looking back it now it almost seems like a defense of women from the evils of the Size Zero culture.

You may be also familiar with the hilarious Baby Got Book version about girls with big Bibles?

But you probably haven't seen the following version – which takes the Sir Mixalot original and gives it the sparkle of a Gilbert & Sullivan musical.