Harry's Blog

I must admit to feeling a little tired and emotional today. It's amazing how one little spec amongst so much happiness can drag one down. See, things are going brilliantly for me right now. At the end of the week I'm moving to London to share a flat with my girlfriend L. She is the most amazing person I ever met and being with her makes me happy beyond my ability to express.

The move itself is pretty stress free. I don't have any doubts about leaving Manchester behind, it doesn't feel at all like a wrench away. For some time now, home has been wherever L is, that's where my heart has lay. And so there are no worries at all there.

No all my worries are to do with my job. I work part time at the moment and the job is becoming a real problem. Today I actually realised why. I've been bending over backwards trying to make my life fit around this part-job and not realised that really I should be making the job fit around my life.

I've been worried to the point I've not been feeling very well this week, with a return of the Reflux symptoms I've not felt for a year. And this is all down to this job that is making demands on me that really it doesn't have a right to do. Considering that I'm part time it really shouldn't be able to drag me across the Atlantic Ocean and expect me to be able to do that easily on part-time money, even if the company is paying flights/accomodation. There's much more to life, and such major trips, than that.

The real problem is that I started this job believing that it wouldn't be part time forever and for some time I've actually been working in it with a full-time attitude. Hence the stress I feel now and that it's making me ill. I'm sick and tired of the uncertainty, of not knowing when I can pay the bills.

What I need in my life is some more stability, or at least to take control. Because up until now I've not been in control. I understand that L sees my job as a stable part of my life, that moving to London is easier because I have that one stable piece of life furniture that I'm used to. I can totally understand that - and I love the way she's thinking on that. But the fact remains this stable part of my life is the cause of so much instability at the moment.

And so today I've come to realise that it is just a part time job. And that I need to get myself a proper full time job as soon as possible and fit this part time job around it. For too long I've looked at how to fit such things around the part time position, but today it's finally dawned on me that this isn't the way things should be. In figuring out this I feel I'm gaining more control of the situation and that I feel more confident about my plans.