Harry's Blog

A few weeks ago I tapped out a long and very angry blog post. That post, titled "Dear God", was the last desperate death throws of my faith. It was my renunciation of the things that I had believed since 1994. Don't bother looking for the post, it's sat in the system, but I've no intention of making it public.

I said some things that needed to be said out loud - for my own sake. But there's no reason to throw it at you. While many of my posts appear rather angry it's all part of the style of the site, "Dear God" was real anger and it was too ugly to share.

My faith is all but gone. There's this tiny nano-particle left somewhere that is the place where I hope someone up there cares enough to look after my wife and children when I'm not there to do so, but that's about it. Essentially all I'm left with this is folk religion, cultural echoes and superstition and these will wear off. What I'm left with is the need for there to be a God who cares, rather than a belief one exists.

Since 1994 when I made the dramatic change from angry atheist to angry Christian, despite the roller-coaster ride, there has been one constant in my faith. That has been the intellectual stimulation that resulted from these beliefs, that it carried serious philosophical weight, that it was challenging and interesting - that it felt like the smart thing to believe.

Some life-changing heartbreak has shifted this view off its axis. It sowed the seeds of the demise of my faith. The problem of suffering - one of the most fought over debates within the realm of faith - became all too real to me. And a further series of events sealed the deal for me. There are arguments I cannot dismiss anymore, there are things that have come too close to home.

Where once faith in God felt smart, it no longer feels so, to me. I feel a fraud by trying to give intellectual credence to things that require none. This is by no means a universal proclamation. I have no intention of evangelising the emptiness I feel when I look to the place I was sure God resided and see nothing. I'm not setting out to change anyone's view, nor attack the things they believe in. I'm just explaining who I am.

I won't pretend there's not been an emotional element to all this. Organised religion brought me the loneliest day of my life and has meddled too much in my private life. These are the kind of things that breed anger. But the story of my faith over the years is one of ups and downs, love and anger. I've ridden storms of a similar nature. Or at least almost like this.

The real difference now is that even if my heart was in it I know my head is not. There's an attraction in continuing, a need, but that's intellectually dishonest isn't it? I'm trying to be true to myself rather than living a lie.

Now the universe looks like a slightly lonelier place. I've had to reconcile new losses in my life to accept the change in view. Faces I will never see again. This is not the easy path, not by a long chalk. But overall do I feel more honest with myself, more optimistic, happier? You betcha.