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Bravery
So many people have told me over the last week or so that I'm one of the bravest people they've ever met. That I am "a real man" whatever that is.
I'm not though. You're just seeing the crusty outward exterior, the weather shield, the bit that got hardened over the years before I met my beloved L.
Unless you saw L and I in our more private moments we'd look like any normal loving couple. But in private we were much than that. Both of us retained a childlike heart and set of fragile emotions and when one of us was upset with the adult world, the other was always there to offer comfort and a shoulder to cry on.
That's how we coped with the stresses and strains of adult life. Because we could be a child in each other's arms and feel the warm embrace of love and comfort. We loved each other to the very depth's of our soul because we were one together, the complete part of each other that had waited so long to find its mate.
On the outside my crusty old exterior is standing up to the weather as usual. But my soft little boy's heart isn't faring to well. It's broken, shattered into a thousand pieces by the cruelty of what fate has dealt us.
I did my very best to protect L from the world outside, trying my hardest to shield her delicate and beautiful heart from all that life would throw at it. But there was one thing I couldn't save her from and now I've lost her. My head tells me there was nothing I could have done to save her, but my heart says that there must have been something, anything.
There's no bravery in what I have left of life. Bravery implies choice. There is no choice for me. If I had a choice I would have L in my arms and I could spend the next fifty years showing her how much I love her. There's no choice though, so no bravery.
L was absolutely everything to me. And I count myself lucky that I met her and blessed that I had the privilege and honour of calling her my beloved wife. True love is said to be giving up your life so someone else may live, if given the chance I would have made that sacrifice for her. But no choice was offered and so, I had no chance to be the brave hero L always told me I was.
This entry was posted on March 23rd, 2007 at 01:04 by Harry and is filed under Life, Nonsense.
4 comments
I am going to talk of my parents, one of the hardest things they have to face is that one of them will be taken first. They both expect death and I think are aware that the time will come in the next decade when death will be a relief. They both are scared of widowhood. If it helps I think you can say that given the choice Laine would have chosen the way it happened. She'd much prefer to die herself than to live without you. So be comforted that far from having the best of it, you actually have the tougher option.
Jengie
I know the frustration of people saying you're being brave when you yourself feel at your most vulnerable - not in such a major circumstance as yours but in the caring for my children and for my father during his final months. But it's like bravery in the face of fear - if you're not afraid, then it's not brave to face it. Courage comes from fighting on despite that fear - and from seizing life and your responsibilities towards the children despite your incredible sorrow rather than turning inwards and leaving it to someone else to be there for your little ones.
My only concern, reading your blog, is that you allow yourself a bit of time to grieve properly. After my Dad's funeral I asked someone to take my children out for the day and deliberately took a day to cry myself out. I was shaken, actually, by the depth of the wailing and mourning that had built up inside, but it was so so good not to have to hold myself together for the children or put on a brave face. Perhaps it is even braver to face up to that sorrow than to try to suppress it, I'm not sure. Sorry, I'm babbling!
But please just remember that you need to look after yourself and be patient and gentle with yourself so that you keep up your own energy levels in being the best possible father to your beautiful babies.
You're in my thoughts and prayers far more often than you can imagine. My boys have been praying for Patrick and Katie too. We're far away, I know, on the Isle of Wight, but if there is ever anything we can do, please shout.
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