Blackstar Unveils Revolutionary Marketing BS

British advertising bullshitter and sometime amplification manufacturer Blackstar has unveiled its latest state of the art marketing nonsense. The company describes its latest verbal slight of hand and customer misdirection as revolutionary.

“We were a technological innovator with our introduction of the phrase ‘Pure Valve’ in our mostly transistor-based technology in recent years,” said Blackstar CEO Bob Scraggs. “However our world class engineers have been hard at work delivering more powerful state of the art bullshit that’s sure to be a big hit with clueless customers and puny editorial lapdogs such as Guitarist Magazine.”

“Today Blackstar is proud to unveil our latest product phrase ‘True Valve Power’ which we will believe will fool even more customers than ever before. With ‘True Valve Power’ we’re extending our previous abilities of not having many valves in our valve products to now having no valves in them instead. Raising our ‘no actual valves’ to ‘valve based marketing bullshit’ ratio to 100 percent. I believe Blackstar is the first amplifier manufacturer to completely remove valves from over-hyped valve related products. This will enable us to continue to charge British-built prices for a range of Korean-made tat.”

‘True Valve Power’ marketing bullshit will be available as an expensive range of literature and badges this summer, and will be bundled with a free modelling amplifier that’s almost as good a Line 6 Spider for three times the money. The presence of any valves has yet to be announced. Full press release follows.

FRANKFURT MUSIKMESSE 2012 PRESS RELEASE: Blackstar is proud to announce the launch of its groundbreaking new ID Series of innovative programmable amplifiers. In the five years since its launch, Blackstar has led the way in the innovation of guitar amplification. The ID Series represents the culmination of more than seven years technical research and development. These amps have an intuitive control set like a traditional amp, but have the versatility of programmability. The unique controls allow guitarists to custom design their own sound, store it and then have the confidence that the amp will perform in a live environment. Blackstar’s patent-applied-for True Valve Power offers six distinctly different power valve responses – EL84, 6V6, EL34, KT66, 6L6, KT88. When engaged it delivers the response, dynamics, sag and break-up characteristics of a valve amp and uniquely delivers the same acoustic power output as an equivalent valve power amp.

This means that for the first time ever, in an affordable series of amplifiers, these products deliver live without compromise – True Valve Power means ‘Loud as Valve’. The Voice control has six different channels – Clean Warm, Clean Bright, Crunch, Super Crunch, OD 1, OD 2. When used together with Blackstar’s patented ISF control you can get the exact tone you’re thinking of. The effects section delivers studio quality modulation, delay and reverb effects simultaneously that you can store with your sound. Deep editing and storing of patches is simple using the supplied Blackstar GUI software. Patches can be shared, uploaded and downloaded via the online community. The USB connector also allows you to record your amp directly to your computer. An emulated output, MP3/line input and midi footswitching complete the package. By using the unique Voice control, the patented ISF and patent-applied-for True Valve Power, these amplifiers allow unparalleled flexibility and ease of use, enabling you to in effect, design the sound in your head and deliver it live as ‘Loud as Valve.’ Individuality is power!

Blackstar ID Series specifications: Programmable combos and heads True Valve Power – LOUD as Valve Voice – select from 6 classic channels (EL84, 6V6, EL34, KT66, 6L6,KT88) 3 band EQ with patented ISF 128 user storable patches USB connectivity – easily edit and record GUI software supplied for deep editing Built-in tuner Footcontroller Revolutionary tone